Marriage and Other Insecurities

Indian weddings are peculiar events. The functions are as huge as the size of families, if not more.
Lots of clutter, chaos, confusion, conflict, kinship, courtship and what not goes into making what the world has now deemed it as, "a big fat Indian wedding."

Mine was a traditional affair. I always knew I was going to get into an arranged marriage kind of setup; although some days love marriage felt like an easier, better option. I wanted my parents to take this decision for me. They're smarter, have more insight into me and know exactly what kind of person could keep me happy.

 And so it happened. My parents voyaged through the forest of bachelors, rooted out some weeds, cut through some overhanging branches, crossed rivers & lakes and found a gem for me. A gem called, for lack of a better term, 'my pati'. Well, technically, my fiancé but I like calling him pati more.

And along with pati, came his larger than life family. Just as dramatic, as filmy, as emotional, as fun-loving, as happy-go-lucky as my own family, if not more. Overnight, I was bestowed with an ebullient dad #2, a loving mom #2, a caring baby sis #2, an over-indulgent sis #2, a fun-loving brother-like jiju, a protective dadi #2 and my first ever, a shy dadaji. Add to that a cheerful lil Lhasa and you get the picture, right?

I couldn't have done better is what my parents said. And I couldn't disagree with them. But then there's the word- overnight. If that isn't sudden, I don't know what is. Here I am, coming back from a trip with my recently engaged brother, laughing about how this would be our last solo trip together and Lo & Behold! Now I am engaged myself. Woooooosh! That was fast!

For new readers here's what happened. I met him Friday. Got fixed on Saturday and finally went on my first date Sunday. Stuff, rom-coms are made of, isn't it?

For those that know me, know I am  used to be a commitment phobic person. I was/am will always be a tomboy at heart. I've always lived a single life and happily so. Never wanted-never needed a person to tell me what to do. I've always been a free-thinker, feminist, pro-freedom, pro-singlehood, anti-relationship, strong-hearted, hot-headed person.. All of which changed overnight.

All of a sudden, I was thrown into this deep pool of cheese called emotions and sentiments with bite sized portions of intimacy, affection, feelings and insecurities. It made for a proper fondue 3-Michelin star hotels would have been proud to keep in their menu.

As I was recovering from this shock of having been hooked up after a lifetime of independence, I was told my wedding date's been fixed 2.5 months down the line. That's not even a quarter of an year!!

Now, well-wishers would say 'you don't need much time to know another person', but in saying so, they would have completely missed the point about needing time to know a new side of me. A side no-one has ever seen, especially myself.

Who am I in a relationship? Whom do I turn into in a love affair? Am I a loving person or an insecure person or a confident lover or a sad puppy or an inconsiderate jerk or a doting wife or a doleful fiance?

I took some of these worries to my fiance. Actually, that would be an understatement. I freaked out on my fiance with a storm of questions and queries. Cried my eyes out in the privacy of my room. Scared my family and had my friends worried crazy. My calm, patient and ever-composed pati told me he'd give me space, he'd let me be, he'd support me in my decisions and give me as much time as I want.

Now that was some weight off my chest but his one statement still keeps me up some times as night. He said, "let's explore each other," which is another can of worms I rather not open. Intimacy and body image issues anyone?

My bonding with him grew and I became more confident of my decision in marrying him in the weeks that followed. We had a slight period of separation which only made us feel stronger for each other. I realized I might have minded PDA when other people did it but I couldn't care less of public when I indulged in it myself. My touches became more intimate; my words became more personal; my tone became gentler; my anger lost a lot of heat.

Due to his love, I became self-assured. Instead of turning into a small-minded, jealous girlfriend, I became an assertive and proud lover. I may not have the body of a model, but I've got the personality of a rock star. That's good enough for me so it should be enough for others too. In other words, I've never been more in love with myself.

One would think I am well sorted but that couldn't be further from the truth. There are still many hurdles to cross. This last one being the toughest ever. My family. Leaving it behind.

How do I make myself do that? How do I detach myself from the people I've been with since I entered this world? This family? This lifestyle? My home? The people who made me who I am. My parents, my brother, my relatives? How do I live without them?

The faces that my day starts and ends with? How do I digest the fact that shortly, there will be a time when I'd wake up in a different bed in a different room of a different house and look at different faces? People I've so far met once or twice a week for a couple of hours, shortly, I'd be devoting all my life to; my lifetime to.

Soon, my priorities will change, my responsibilities and my loyalties will change. I'll become a visitor to my own home, a guest to my own parents, a caller to my very cousins. How do I come to accept that? Why should I accept that?

Does a new beginning necessarily have to mean the end of an old phase? Doesn't time work in a continuum? Does marriage have to mean rebirth? Can't it just be a new chapter in the same book called life? Why should it mean replacement and not addition? Can't I keep the best of both worlds?
Can I not retain the good things of my single-hood and incorporate them into my married life? Do I have to choose between this and that?

Who made these pathetic rules about marriage? Well, I am challenging them now. I'd make it my mission to prove to everyone that I can continue to give great importance to my new parents without kicking my old ones out of the priority list. And if ever I stagger on my path, I am sure my pati would stand right behind me, hold me tight and tell me to carry on with my head held high.

Marriage isn't, shouldn't and wouldn't be an end of my old life, so it just has to mean a new turn.